The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism

How is it that some people can just walk into a room, and in moments, you believe they are powerful? I'd always been fascinated by that and how I can weave this mastery over body language, eye contact, and manner of speaking into my own life. Through this book, I feel like I've been given a playbook: To be a charismatic person, you have to give the impression that you have a lot of power and that you like the other person/people a lot. You don't need to impress people, you let them impress you. You don’t need to sound smart; you just need to make them feel smart.The secret isn't that complicated. You have to truly believe in yourself. When you are able to build a system of self-confidence and resiliency to against detractors that bring you down, your body takes on that mentality. While that sounds obvious and crazy difficult, this book has a number of concrete reframes and exercises you can use to walk that path.You need to do 3 things for someone to perceive you as charismatic:* Power - Being perceived as able to affect the world around them* Warmth - Will use whatever power you have in their favor* Presence - Has your full attention and you are the most important thing in the world to them at this moment3 quick tips* Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. When you want to sound superconfident, you can even lower your intonation midsentence.* Reduce how quickly and how often you nod* Pause for two full seconds before you speakIncreasing your charisma requires first knowing which internal obstacles are currently inhibiting your personal charisma potential. Techniques to do this:* Mindfulness - Become aware when you are tensing, feeling anxious* Responsibility transfer - Consider that there might be an all-powerful entity—the Universe, God, Fate—and entrust it with all the worries on your mind. Imagine yourself converting your source of worry into a physical form and giving it to the powerful entity, reliving that burden from you.* Destigmatizing - Understanding that our worry is normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of. If you’ve just lost a key client, for instance, think of someone you know—a mentor you have a high regard for, or a colleague you respect—who suffered a similar setback. Imagine them going through this experience.* Neutralize negative thoughts - Recognize that your thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate. The next time you think you see coldness or reservation in someone’s face while they’re talking to you, try to remember that it could simply be the visible signs of their internal discomfort. There’s a good chance that it has nothing to do with how they feel about you or what you’ve just said.* Rewrite reality - Choose the explanation that is most helpful to us and create a version of events that gets us into the specific mental state we need for charisma. What if this unfortunate, unpleasant experience is absolutely perfect just as it is? A gift? Find ways to be grateful.Visualization - As it has been proven to help alter our mind state, relive past victories and project future ones. Guided imagery must be precise, vivid, and detailed to be effective. When visualization is used with Olympic ski teams, skiers visualize themselves careening through the entire course, feeling their muscles tensing, experiencing each bump and turn in their minds.* Play music while you verbalize or subvocalize, choosing songs that you know make you feel especially energized and confident* Imagine a relevant, more extreme scene. If you have to be warm and empathetic going into a meeting, imagine a young child coming to tell you her troubles at school.Example - close your eyes:Remember a past experience when you felt absolutely triumphant—for example, the day you won a contest or an award. ♦ Hear the sounds in the room: the murmurs of approval, the swell of applause. ♦ See people’s smiles and expressions of warmth and admiration. ♦ Feel your feet on the ground and the congratulatory handshakes. ♦ Above all, experience your feelings, the warm glow of confidence rising within you.Show goodwillGoodwill is a highly effective way both to project warmth and to create a feeling of warmth in others. When you truly focus on someone’s well-being, you feel more connected to them, it shows across your face, and people perceive you as someone full of warmth. Your charisma quotient soars. When our only aim is to broadcast goodwill, it takes the pressure off. We’re no longer striving, struggling, pushing for things to go in a certain direction. And since we’re less concerned about how the interaction goes, we can both feel and project more charismatic confidence.* Find three things you like about the person you want to feel goodwill toward* What if this were their last day alive? You can even imagine their funeral. You’re at their funeral, and you’re asked to say a few words about them. You can also imagine what you’d say to them after they’d already died.* SmileGrow self-compassionSelf-confidence is our belief in our ability to do or to learn how to do something. Self-esteem is how much we approve of or value ourselves. It’s often a comparison-based evaluation (whether measured against other people or against our own internal standards for approval). Self-compassion is how much warmth we can have for ourselves, especially when we’re going through a difficult experience. Self-compassion is what helps us forgive ourselves when we’ve fallen short; it’s what prevents internal criticism from taking over and playing across our face, ruining our charisma potential. In this way, self-compassion is critical to emanating warmth.Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing in masses of clean air toward the top of your head; then let it whoosh through you from head to toe as you exhale, washing all concerns away. ♦ Think of any occasion in your life when you performed a good deed, however great or small. Just one good action—one moment of truth, generosity, or courage. Focus on that memory for a moment. ♦ Now think of one being, whether present or past, mythical or actual—Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Muhammed, or the Dalai Lama—who could have great affection for you. This could be a person, a pet, or even a stuffed animal. ♦ Picture this being in your mind. Imagine their warmth, their kindness and compassion. See it in their eyes and face. Feel their warmth radiating toward you, enveloping you. ♦ See yourself through their eyes with warmth, kindness, and compassion. Feel them giving you complete forgiveness for everything your inner critic says is wrong. You are completely and absolutely forgiven. You have a clean slate. ♦ Feel them giving you wholehearted acceptance. You are accepted as you are, right now, at this stage of growth, imperfections and all.Warm up* On the day of the marathon, what would you do as you arrived? Would you just stand around until the starting gun and then tear off at top speed? Of course not. You’d probably take care to warm up carefully.* If, at dinner, you want to broadcast absolute self-confidence, make sure that the day of and especially the hours leading up to the dinner do not include meetings or interactions that could make you feel bad about yourself. Rather than just showing up at dinner, plan a warm-up that will boost your self-esteem: have coffee with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, or plan an activity (play a sport or a musical instrument) that makes you feel competent or accomplished.* Create your own music playlist for the internal state you’d like to have. You could make one for energy and confidence, one that makes you feel warm and empathetic, and another that makes you feel calm and serene.* Let’s say that you’re about to discuss a difficult issue with someone who intimidates you. To warm up for the meeting, practice first in your mind, visualizing the scene as you would like it to unfold. Then ask someone with whom you feel comfortable to role-play the situation with you. Make sure you adopt a strong, confident posture. Imagine yourself as a four-star army general reviewing his troops. Take a wide stance, puff up your chest, broaden your shoulders, stand straight, and confidently put your arms behind your back. Practice making your arguments with a strong voice and imposing hand gestures.* Even if you’re really late to a meeting, it’s worth taking just thirty seconds to get back into the right mental state and body language. Otherwise you risk giving a very uncharismatic first impression.Types of Charisma* Focus - They can can feel the intensity of your attention, how keenly you listens and absorbs everything they say. Nonverbal body language makes them feel completely listened to, understood, and respected. Use when you need people to open up and share information. Avoid when you need to appear authoritative or during emergencies when you need immediate compliance.* Visionary - Make them feel inspired. Project complete conviction and confidence in a cause. Sell on the vision, not yourself. Use when you need to inspire people.* Kindness - Radiating warmth. Connected to their heart, making them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and accepted. Primarily from eyes. Avoid any body language of tension, criticism, or coldness. Use to create emotional bond or make people feel safe and comfortable, deliver bad news. Avoid when needing to appear authoritative.* Authority - Perception of power, ability to influence others. Clothing that shows status. Take up space, minimal movement, slow speaking, pausing, modulating tone. Use to get listened to and be obeyed, in a criss. Avoid when you want to encourage creativity, or constructive feedback.Right charisma to use* How are the people around you feeling? What do they need in this moment?Building resonance when speaking* Bounce back - Answer the question with a fact, add a personal note, and redirect the question to them, as follows: Other Person: “So where are you moving to?” You: “To Chelsea [fact]. We fell in love with the parks and the bakeries [personal note]. What do you think of the neighborhood [redirect]?”* Use "you" - Instead of saying “I read a great article on that subject in the New York Times,” try “You might enjoy the recent New York Times article on the subject.” Or simply insert “You know…” before any sentence to make them instantly perk up and pay attention.* Relevant metaphors - If they’re into golf and you want to talk about success, speak of hitting a hole in one. If they sail, a catastrophe becomes a shipwreck.* Pause - Pause. People who broadcast confidence often pause while speaking. They will pause for a second or two between sentences or even in the middle of a sentence. This conveys the feeling that they’re so confident in their power, they trust that people won’t interrupt.* Modulate tone - Making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato). The lower, more resonant, and more baritone your voice, the more impact it will have. A slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses conveys confidence.* Stay present in your body and awareness of them* Use imagery and metaphors - Presidents rated as charismatic, such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, used twice as many visual metaphors in their inaugural addresses as did those rated as noncharismatic. When Steve Jobs launched the iPod Nano, he needed a dramatic way to illustrate its small size and light weight. First, he pulled it out of the smallest pocket of his jeans, giving tangible proof of just how small and slim it was. Second, he compared the Nano’s weight to eight quarters: his presentation slide shows the iPod on one side and eight quarters on the other.* Positive language - When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.”* Mirror body language - Try to mirror the other person’s overall posture: the way they hold their head, how they place their feet, the shifts in their weight. If they move their left hand, move your right hand. Aim also to adapt your voice to theirs in speed, pitch, and intonation. As long as their body is in a certain emotional mode, it will be nearly impossible to get their mind to feel something different.How to listen* Be totally attentive, noting when you drift off and come back and reset eye contact* Breathe deeply* Don't interrupt* Let your facial expression react first, showing that you’re absorbing what they’ve just said* Pause 2 seconds (feel like forever)* Position well - Avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them.* Keep eye contact for three full seconds at the end of your interaction with someone.Quick Guide1. take a breath with hand over heart to get present, relaxed, and self compassionate2. Stand up tall with a smile, feeling confident and warm3. Recall a prior moment that evokes this mood. Relive it with sights, sounds, movements4. Envision how I'd like to be. Live it with sights, sounds, movements.5. Think about the person I'm meeting. Identity 3 positive qualities about them.6. Look at others in the eyes, pretend they are an expert who you're listening to with rapt attention7. Listen completely, keeping body tall and warm.8. React first in face, pause before speaking9. Articulate what they said back, bottom line to the essence

There are some very good things about this book, and there are some very bad things, some sick things, and some spooky things about this book. Although there are some negative aspects of this book, they can be thrown out without diminishing the value of the good. It’s a good book overall. Just leave out the wacky stuff. I will examine the good and the bad below. This is a very interesting book, and much of it can be very helpful. Some of the exercises have significant results immediately. They’re so effective that I’m kicking myself for not having explored this area before.But first, I’m not a self-help junkie. In fact, I’ve never read a book like this before, and I’ve never had therapy although after having read this book I wish I had explored this type of material before because it’s very helpful. I write this to explain that this review is from someone who has absolutely no familiarity with this type of material.It’s a professional self-help type book, but the material doesn’t go deeply into self-help doctrines. It’s more of a book that teaches how to implement already tried and true self-help techniques that are described in other studies, a field guide. The author gives reference to the techniques whereby one can research further. The main objective of the book is to walk the reader through the process to implement these techniques. It’s not a book that you read and then drink a glass of wine as you contemplate a good read while the book sits on the shelf. This is a workbook, a guide to help the reader accomplish something, a book you consult regularly.When I was very young, someone told me that I was bashful, and I let that label define me. I am shy. That’s me. I get nervous/anxious when I’m around people I don’t know very well, and I have avoided some social activities. I am not a total basket case, but I get nervous in social situations. I also get anxious about other life activities. Maybe the alarm clock won’t go off, and I’ll miss my flight. What if no one talks to me at the party? I had bad, anxious feelings while traveling even while traveling for personal reasons to nice places like Miami Beach and Roatan. Those negative feelings were/are annoying. I put up with them. That’s how I am.As a result of this, I appear to others as unconfident, unimportant and undesirable (i.e. totally uncharismatic). But after reading this book, I realize that I don’t have to be that way. I can improve. I am kicking myself because I had accepted a certain self for decades, and it didn’t have to be that way.Enough about me. The book’s approach to charisma involves obtaining three characteristics: presence, warmth and power. Presence is defined as paying attention to what’s going on rather than being caught up in your thoughts, and this seems to be the simplest of the three to accomplish. This means giving complete attention to someone you’re interacting with. When I’m having a conversation, it’s hard for me to not think about sports or dirty dishes in the sink or whatever. It’s hard to stop the mind from wandering sometimes. This book gives exercises and helpful (very helpful!) methods to keep the mind from wandering and give complete attention to the person you are interacting with.Warmth is defined as goodwill toward others; in other words, liking your neighbor. And power is defined as being perceived as being able to affect the world around you.This book’s focus is on body language. Yes, appearance is important and is addressed in the book, but the primary focus is on body language, and it is taught that you can’t fake body language so the book provides many exercises that one can use to put you in the right state of mind so that your body language will communicate the right messages of warmth and power, and this is where it gets wacky.Before the wackiness, there are some very legitimate, effective exercises that are not at all cuckoo that one can implement. The book talks about negative thoughts and how they can cause one’s body language to not communicate warmth and power. Anxiety, self-doubt, self-criticism are not charismatic qualities. Everyone has anxiety. Those who say they don’t are only fooling themselves, but the book provides exercises that one can implement to destigmatize and neutralize negative thoughts.For example, just this morning I was worried. Precious is going to undergo some surgery. She had a job, but she quit it after less than four days. She got fired from her previous job. She’s also working on getting a bachelor’s degree. She doesn’t currently have a job. Just last night she bought a pair of shoes online for $150. She likes to spend. Our car is over 9 years old so we’ll need to get a new one in the near future. I was worried about finances this morning. What if she keeps spending and doesn’t get a job? What if we burn through our savings and have to get cash advances from credit cards? Interest rates on credit cards are outrageous. I could literally feel the stress. But this book taught me how to deal with negative thoughts. After a few minutes I was fine, and it’s now afternoon and I’m still fine. I’ll continue to be fine and anxiety free. It’s that easy.Now the wacky stuff. Some of these exercises are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I like Cocoa Puffs just as much as the next person, but some of this stuff is wacked. One exercise is to re-write history or re-write your perception of reality. Interpret everything in your favor. Someone gives you a dirty look, it’s not because you’re an arrogant ignoramus but because they had a bad day or because they’re jealous or make up some other reason that gives you a deluded self-confidence.Another wacky exercise is visualization where you visualize yourself doing something great and imagine people giving you applause. But without a doubt the zaniest is “Metta” where you mediate and imagine being in the presence of Buddha or Jesus or the Universe and hearing them say that you are perfect. You’re not perfect. You’re not a unique and beautiful snow flake. You’re the same organic matter as the rest of us, and we’re all in the same compost heap.The author quotes one guy as saying, “I decide to interpret everything favorably toward myself. It’s not just that I’m optimistic, I’m actually conveniently deluded.” I’ve had the misfortune of coming across guys like this, and, yes, Virginia, they do come off as charismatic to equally shallow Americans, but these dudes are wacked. I have no desire to be like that.But the thing is that it’s not necessary to implement the wacky stuff. There are some very legitimate and effective techniques described in the book.Beyond that the book goes on to show how to implement these techniques in different situations like a crisis or leadership role. I’m looking forward to mastering these techniques and putting them into practice.

This will not make you charismatic. It is a hodgepodge of unstructured generic advice that includes such profound wisdom as “wear comfortable clothes”. Real charisma is exerted by people with an abundance of energy, humour, conviction and authenticity. It is exerted by people who are present in the here and now with you. This is a collection of cheap gimmicks that are often so banal and fascile that it makes you realise anyone trying to do them will be so utterly non-charismatic as to bore you to tears. Save your money and practise being authentic and present in your next few encounters with people and notice what difference that makes instead.

I have a total lack of charisma, my personality is as bland as blank sheet of paper. And I am as unremarkable as a tiny fish in a vast shoal.Yet I’m frequently involved marketing events and have to give presentations to large crowds.So I can only dream of having the charisma of Obama or JFK.At the same time there is little hope for me as I rarely read self-help books mostly because they are generally poorly-written by self-obsessed authors and teach me trivial things that I already know.This book is not so different. Yet it places the myth of charisma in a decent perspective.In the end I should be glad I picked up the book and worked through it. As it is somewhat helpful, it teaches you important elements of charisma and how to be more mindful of that.Now I fill the room a little bit more with my presence. I have gained a slightly more magnetic personality. And feel I’m better able to steer my daily group meetings in my desired direction. Moreover.. my power over the other-sex has dramatically increased! haha.. but from a very low level, as it was non-existent before.

I have social anxiety and this book literally CHANGED MY LIFE.In the past, I would always be anxious around people, had a few friends, wanted to expand my social life but can’t see any success. After reading this book and literally followed every rules, I found myself a lot more attractive to everyone (literally even random people on streets, staffs in coffee shops… etc). If you followed the rules in this book, you will even experience magical moments (I am really not joking, they were so surreal), it might sound bizarre but there was a time I was in my best internal state, people just admired me as if I have brighten up their day by talking to them. Someone even complimented that my smile just made them so happy lol.This book will boost your self eestem and self confidence, and the most useful, you will be more compassionate towards yourself. You will become grateful and appreciate a lot of little things in life. I am practicing kindness charisma and i become a lot more compassionate to everyone. If I am in my best internal state, I would be practicing self-love, thinking really positively and grateful for everything. The way I talked to people will change automatically, I become very attentive to others’ life and I would be agreeing most of their thoughts subconsciously.The downside is stress and high expectations from people around you. Their over reliance and attention on you might cause stress. Sometimes i become stressed when someone helped me when they shouldn’t or wouldn’t in the past.This book will really make you a magnet to everyone. You will start to become more attractive and find your life changing, even on the first day after you read the book. You will become A LOT MORE HAPPIER (especially if you struggle with expanding your social life/ you have low self eestem or self acceptance).

Got to love it! With so many suspect self-help books out there, this one really delivers. Separating charisma into three main aspects: Strength, Power and Presence, the author takes you through each and explains their background and how you can improve in the different areas. A key theme here is that people can change and improve in these respects. You aren't born charismatic (that's the myth), rather you can nurture and develop habits which will give you charisma.The recommendations aren't merely a sticking plaster over the 'real' (uncharismatic) you; but rather help you peel off negative habits like drifting off when speaking with people, or holding onto resentment; thus exposing the real charismatic You.Famous characters' charisma is discussed and some have more or less of the three main foundations for charisma, so there is plenty of flexibility to develop what is natural to you.Overall, I can't recommend this book enough.

I don't like books which are full of water and generic words. This one consists of specific advice & technics to follow (realistic ones). Almost zero b***s**t in a book on such topic, just amazing. I am reading it 3rd time now, it's so rich, that I am picking up new important things every time. It's not one of those "you read them in 1 hour trying to get at least 1 useful thought" books. Sincerely recommend.