Somewhere Between

I am not an adoptive parent, but I have raised my children among families that have adopted from many different cultures. Right now there are two sisters in my class who were adopted from China, and I wanted to walk a mile in their shoes so I could better understand their perspectives and emotional journeys.This movie moved me deeply; you don't have to be adopted to have experienced abandonment, betrayal of trust, and a sense of being "different." These are experiences we all have in common, and are the ones that cause the most pain, especially in the teen years. The director gently peels back the veneer of cheerful and grounded American teenager to expose the pain and questioning underneath. Being raised in a loving, happy family with financial security does not negate the pain of being given up or abandoned. There is nothing more painful to a child (even 40 or more years after the fact) than to be labeled "unwanted" in her own mind. However, it was lovely to see the girls grapple with their two realities and start to integrate them and move forward, using their pain to help others.Several other reviewers recommend against allowing adopted children see this movie before they are 14 years old. I haven't raised adopted children, but I would tend to disagree; I prefer the proactive approach, which has worked well for my own (now grown) children. Difficult subjects and truths about self and family (e.g., mental illness, family members in jail, traumatic events, etc.) are best made part of one's daily life and conversation, not hidden or avoided. I think this movie could and should be shown often beginning with very young children and replayed as they grow, so that there are many natural opportunities through questions and conversations to grow up integrating the two sides of their reality, instead of allowing them to confront their "difference" when they are in their teen years at their most vulnerable. I noticed in the movie that the girl who traveled back to China every year of her life with her mother (to bring assistance to orphanages) seemed the most balanced and integrated.Parents have the unique power to grant "permission to exist" by acknowledging and rejoicing in the uniqueness of their children and see them as beings separate from themselves; they also have the frightening power to negate their children's existence by abandonment or, even worse, projecting themselves onto their children. These are the children who self-harm, who have not been given permission to exist. This movie is an antidote to such poison...it's an acknowledgement of a sometimes difficult reality that allows the hard questions to be asked, and the hard truths to be grieved and ultimately made useful in the great task of helping one another. Highly recommended for general audiences, not just those with a connection to adoption.

We came together as a family when we met our daughter in China and brought her back to the United States. This film was particularly appealing to our now-fifteen year old daughter because it features four teenagers who have been through similar experiences. We had gotten the film through our public library system, and loved it so much we bought a copy.There are two reservations I have. One of the families went back to the hometown and posted notices, and actually found a family who said they were the birth family of this now-American girl. They submitted to DNA testing, and it turns out, they are the birth family. While this may be wonderful for this particular girl, it seems unrealistic. We have been to our daughter's hometown twice, once during the adoption process and once on a much later visit. Her town is in deep poverty, extreme conditions of poverty. Many adults sit around the main street of town basically looking depressed in the middle of the day. I can't imagine posting notices there. It's very difficult to find, and our trips there were closely monitored. The first time our guide was actually afraid for our physical safety and hurried us back into the van after we had taken photos of our daughter's discovery site. I'm hoping this didn't give our daughter an unrealistic expectation. It's very unlikely that the birth family can be found--it's illegal to abandon a child in China, so the family could get into all kinds of trouble.My other reservation is one of money. At least one of the families returns to China on a regular basis, maybe several times a year. I explained to our daughter that the trip we took a while back engaged all our resources (we were there several weeks) and required an enormous amount of planning, from job leave-taking to finding house and pet sitters. We don't have the monetary resources to go to China often. I felt that this set up another unrealistic expectation.Those reservations noted, the film is wonderful and completely captivated our daughter--it was about her! When our daughter is older, she will be free to pursue her roots more, and perhaps by then it will be more acceptable to the Chinese government for these Daughters of China to try to trace their beginnings and re-unite with their birth families.